It feels as though, I haven't taken my camera out for a spin for a very long time. I've found myself fighting creativity and boredom, inspiration, and depression. The days have moved by me almost as quickly as I can blink my eyes; truth be told, I'm uncertain of how I've made it this far in life.
It was over thirty years ago, my school dubbed me as the class clown, not the person most likely to succeed in life. Perhaps it was my fault that I didn't take hold to being more serious in the classroom, learning to use my hands, or better yet, not daydreaming as much as I did then or now.
In my younger years, camp was always the getaway I looked forward to in the summer. Our church summer camp was all the way down in the Mojave Desert and we would take this god awful six hour drive to find pay dirt. Looking back at those times, I can only wonder about what was being taught to us back in those days.
As you can imagine, I was one of two black faces within the camp week, my sister being the other face. IF memory serves me correctly, I think my sister wanted to go home the first year we ventured off to the desert; she has always been the smarter one. In typical me fashion, I would jump out of the van, find my cabin assignment and then try to see what sports activities were available. I did say we were "camping" in the freaking desert right, you know in the middle of summer! Alas, this damn trip down memory lane.
I recently had the opportunity to speak to a group of camp goers about a month or so ago. This campground is so much more legit than the desert and the counselors more hip as well (clears throat, given I was kind of like a counselor for a few hours).
The walk up to the campsite, from where I parked, seemed longer than I had remembered it being in years past. I really couldn't tell if I was fatigued from the altitude or if I was simply walking slower because I didn't want my Air Max 1's to get overly scuffed. I kid, I kid, I'm just a slow walker and I also didn't want my Air Max 1's to get too dusty, you know at the campsite where dirt abounds. Please don't judge me but at the same time, please do, I'm still ridiculous.
There was a deja vu feeling which came over me whilst waiting to enter the main mess-hall for dinner. I found myself nervous, to deliver whatever offering I was going to present to these young men. My mind was racing almost as quickly as my heart was, I really felt lost.
Alas, there were times during my early camp years, when I would look around and find that I was different than everyone else there. Though I was outgoing, I was never one of the "cool kids". As I stood and reminisced about years gone by, I looked up to see kids heading my way for dinner. The beauty is we all sit and eat together before we head to the speaking station for the guest speaker to deliver their message.
This was my sixth time presenting at this camp, it was also my sixth time being absolutely nervous about how I would be received. My closest friends tell me that I worry too much about what other people think, I tell myself that no one can knock me off of my perch; the reality is one is true and the other is a made up emotion which allows me to appear strong, when in essence, I'm still the same kid who's ready for camp but not ready to be alone at camp.
I'd never looked out the window as much as I did, a few weeks ago. The view kept calling to me and I'm unsure if it was my eyes, my nerves, my camera or my heart saying take this picture. The irony to life is, sometimes things seem so vast until you step through the door and begin to walk towards whatever it is your looking for.
My speech to the young men was about being the change we need within our world, knowing that though things might become difficult, they'll never truly be alone. I cried telling the story of a friend I lost, they hugged me afterwards and taught me that I had a place within their squad, if only for a few hours. As I slowly walked back to my car saying all of my goodbyes, I thought that maybe just maybe no one remembers the class clown.
Some of the heaviest moments in life are when your mind runs and you feel as though no one cares, remember your not alone (I'm speaking to myself as much as I am to you). Find peace, be true to yourself....
Always love inside out
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